Receiving Healing

Well folks, this is the blog I've put off writing for a while. I know this will be long, but please stick with it until the end.

Many of you know about the health issues I've had for the last year and a half. But, only a very few of you know that I actually did get a diagnosis a couple of months ago. I was content to let everyone think that the cause of my near fainting spells was anemia and hormonal shifts caused by ovarian cysts. I did not lie about those things. I really do have those issues BUT my doctor has assured me that they were not severe enough to cause the blackouts and near fainting I've been experiencing.

Before I dive into the diagnosis, I do want to back-track and say that through this entire journey of ER visits, doctor visits, tests, tests, and more tests... I have felt so down and discouraged. Some days I thought I would end up dying of some mysterious disease before we could figure out what it was. I've never felt so hopeless in my life. This sickness has had such debilitating effects. I don't leave my house unless I have to and if I have to leave, I try not to be the one that has to drive. I have been so scared of fainting in public or while driving, I just tried not to be in a situation that might lead to that happening. I even stepped back from the children's ministry a bit for fear of fainting in front of the kids. But, as hopeless as I have felt, I have had a great amount of support and encouragement from my family and close friends. Those of you who have stood by me and put up with my negativity.... Thank you and I love you!!!

Now for the diagnosis. It's actually a combination of things. Panic disorder, severe chronic depression, and a sleep disorder. I've known about the sleep disorder for several years. I just didn't realize that it could/would contribute to the other things. My doctor actually originally diagnosed me with a form of bipolar disorder called unipolar depression. I saw an actual psychiatrist this week who assures me that he does not feel that is the case. He is the one who diagnosed the panic, depression, & sleep disorder. I have been taking depakote to level out my moods for about 6 weeks and prozac for the last 2 weeks. In that time, I have noticed that the near fainting and constant dizziness has become drastically less. That is why I believe that we have finally reached the right diagnosis. I am getting better. Since the psychiatrist doesn't feel that I have bipolar disorder, he took me off of the depakote and switched me to neurontin. I'm on day 2 of that, but the last couple of nights I have slept pretty good and I feel better throughout the day. I will be seeing the psychiatrist on a monthly basis for a while and am seeing the counselor at our church in between those times... so I'll be talking to someone every 2 weeks for a while. There are many things going on in my head that need straightened out. The medicine won't get rid of that... it is only a tool to help jump start the process.

Now, I have to share with you an experience I had yesterday. Through all of this, not only has my morale fell flat.. but so has my spiritual life. I might pray, but mostly that was just whining to God about my circumstances. I wasn't reading the Bible at all, except to study whatever I had to teach the kids that week. I just haven't had the energy or focus or discipline to do whatever I needed to do to be closer to God. And then yesterday, I decided it was time to devote time to God again, so I got on to www.youversion.com, and started reading the passages for the day (the read-the-bible-in-a-year selection). One of those was Psalm 38. Read it. Almost every sentence of that psalm is exactly how I have been feeling. Complete despair and feeling like I was being punished for everything I've ever done wrong. I cried. Hard. And then I went to the prayer journal and wrote to God. I won't share everything I said, but I will tell you that one sentence was "I need You to heal my heart and my soul." And the second those words were typed, I heard these little chimes I have hung in the living room go "Ding ding ding" very softly. They never do that... ever! I knew in that moment that God was right here with me, protecting me. I'm going to be okay. I still have a long road ahead, but I do know that with His help, I'm going to be okay.

Love Christmas, Hate December

Let me just start out by saying I love Christmas. I do. But I hate December with a passion! Honestly, I do.

Why can't we just enjoy Christmas without having to spend extra money buying gifts and food? The Brown's are on a tight budget... the bills don't stop in December so we can celebrate Christmas... and yet, here we are, spending money we don't have on gifts and food for the multiple parties/gatherings we have to attend. And YES, we have to attend all of them! I know we're not the only ones who feel this stress. You feel the crunch too, don't you? Be honest. So why do we let ourselves get sucked in to doing things we know we can't really afford? Why can't we just get together, sing a few Christmas carols, read about the birth of Jesus, and just hang out and play some games? Sure, we might need a snack and a drink for that too, but do we really have to go over the top with it? Do we??? I know I don't need the rum balls, cookies, cakes, candies, & cheese balls. Just get me a glass of water and a snack mix and I'm good to go.

Do I sound like a scrooge? I don't mean to. Honestly, I LOVE LOVE LOVE Christmas! I love everything about it... except the unnecessary spending. We don't need all that to celebrate the birth of our Savior.... that's all I'm saying.

Sleep Issues

I'm done eating burritos at 10:30 at night. I had the strangest dream. I'm not sure whether it was caused by the late night burritos (we were busy, so supper was really late last night) or the fact that I leave my radio on low at night, but something sure caused my imagination to go crazy!

In this dream, the song "I Think I Love You" by David Cassidy was playing in the background the whole time. This is why I think my radio may have had a role in starting the dream. I listen to a light mix station at night and I've heard that song on there before, so it's possible the song came on and my subconscious mind could hear it. Anyway, I dreamt that I was on a TV talk show... not really ON it, but in the audience. Shirley Jones and "young" Susan Dey (from the Partridge Family, in case you aren't old enough to know who the heck I'm talking about) were on it. They were talking about doing some kind of show together. All of a sudden, the host (John Davidson... if you're too young to know who that is, google him. I don't have the energy to bring you up to speed) jumps up and says to them, "You'll never guess who we found!" Out from the audience comes Danny Bonaduce and David Cassidy. They run up on stage and hug Shirley Jones and "young" Susan Dey. Then John Davidson says, "And guess who else we caught up with..." And the camera pans back to the table that Shirley and "young" Susan Dey are sitting at and next to her is "present day (old)" Susan Dey. And she had 70's Farrah Fawcett hair. Bizarre huh? I was confused as to how she could be there at the same time as "young" Susan Dey, since they are the same person after all! I think it was too much for my mind to handle... was she a clone or some kind of space alien? I was confused. I guess that's why I woke up at that point.

Now you're probably thinking, "That's 2 minutes of my life I'll never get back."

You're right. Sorry.

Fear (updated)

Deuteronomy 31:6

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

We taught the kids at church this verse a few weeks ago. It's been stuck in my head ever since. I am the exact opposite of that verse. I am weak, timid, and always afraid of something. It was really hard for me to try to teach/discuss this verse with the kids, knowing I wasn't living it. How can I tell a bunch of kids to do something I myself don't do? I felt like a hypocrite.

Anyway, fast forward a few weeks and I'm still thinking about that verse. Obviously, it's an area of my life that needs work, otherwise it wouldn't still be ringing in my head.

I have tons of phobias. Tons of them. Some are the normal ones like snakes and spiders and unclean public restrooms. I kind of consider those to be "healthy" fears. But, I also have unhealthy fears that keep me from fully enjoying life. That's a problem that I'm having a lot of trouble overcoming. One of those is a fear of travel.

Over the last few months, I've made some awesome friends on Twitter. Aside from the couple that are from here, I haven't met any of them face to face and yet they have been some of the best friends a person could ask for. They encourage, they sympathize, they pray, they advise... they are always there for whatever happens, good or bad. I love that. I desperately want to meet them all. There's just one thing holding me back. Me. A few months ago we were invited to Catalyst, which is in Georgia and also where some of these folks live. It sounded cool at first but the more we talked about it with our friends, the more anxious I became. It wasn't a reality yet and I was already having panic attacks whenever it was brought up. You see, I have a very strong phobia of travel. I am anxious about riding anywhere in the car and the farther the destination, the worse the anxiety is. I bailed on the entire thing (as usual) and told Mike he could go without me, but he made a good point. If he were to go without me, I would be home the whole time completely in meltdown mode worrying about him traveling. And as usual, as soon as the decision was made NOT to go, the panic attacks stopped. That's not to say I was feeling good though. I feel horrible that we bailed on everyone. Really horrible. I know in my heart that it wasn't the "right" decision, but I still can't make myself do it... yet. I'm sure at this point we're not going to make it there this year, but my goal is to suck it up and be there next year. For real. I'm telling you, that verse has been in my head so strong that I can't ignore it. It doesn't say you shouldn't be afraid... it says DO NOT be afraid. It's a command and that's why I know that I have to find some way to do it.

Another fear that I have, which has become stronger in the last few months, is of me or someone I love getting cancer. Most of you all know that we recently lost Mike's mom after a 2-3 year battle with lung cancer. It was horrible to watch her slowly waste away in that time. In the end she was down to 65 pounds, bedridden, and didn't have the strength to even speak. It was a death that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I've worried since then... what if my dad gets it (he's a heavy smoker). I don't want to watch that again. The thought of it terrifies me. TERRIFIES ME.

And then, in the last year, I've had some health concerns myself. Most of you all know this... the blood pressure spikes, the heart palpitations, the migraines, dizzy spells, etc etc etc. I've been to the ER and to the doctor's office more times than I can count in the last year. Each time, the diagnosis is just a guess and it's always something different. Last Saturday was the latest trip to the ER for me. Only this time we seem to be on to something. The doctor said he felt that the symptoms I was having were due to hormone fluctuations (possibly menopausal) so he referred me to a new doctor. Well, yesterday I went to this new doctor and found that whatever is wrong is more than just hormonal. There is something definitely wrong with my uterus and probably with my ovaries, as well. She said my uterus was severely inflamed and did a biopsy right then. She also ordered tons of blood work to check my hormone levels and then an ultrasound today to check for fibroid tumors on my uterus and ovaries. No matter what the results turn out to be, she seems to think that I'll definitely be having surgery. Yep. I'm scared. (I will probably update the blog after we get test results and know more about what we're dealing with.)

So, there you go, my life is FULL of fear, terror, and anxiety. And I know that that verse is constantly in my head for a reason. God is telling me to GET OVER IT. Quit being afraid and take it as it comes. Whatever happens, He's going to be right there with me.

Update: Well, I finally got a call from the doctor's office, nearly 2 weeks since having all the tests done. Now I feel confused and frustrated. Everything came back normal... hormones, biopsy, ultrasound... all normal. That's good news and all, but I'm confused because in the office she seemed positive I would need surgery, no matter what, but on the phone nothing was said about that. I wasn't thinking clearly at the time, or I would have asked and I probably will call back tomorrow morning to ask about that. Anyway, since my hormones evidently aren't causing all the other symptoms, she wants me to follow up with a cardiologist and a neurologist to check my heart, blood pressure spikes & migraines. I feel so frustrated because I thought we were finally on to something and now we're back to square one and don't know anything. I have an appointment with my regular doctor next week for my 6 month blood pressure check. I'll find out what his opinion is on all this and proceed from there, I guess.

Leading A Double Life

I've been neglecting my email, MySpace and Twitter because I've become addicted to Mob Wars and Crusades on Facebook. Sad, but true. I have little time to spend online during the week, so when I'm on, what do I do? Instead of checking email or going to my other usual haunts, I go directly to Facebook to play those games. In fact, now that I'm thinking about them, I feel like winding up the blog so I can go check my progress and make sure no one has attacked me and stolen my money. Fighting the urge...

Please hold...

Whew! All is well. Got attacked by a rival mob, but I was too powerful for them. That's right... they'll know better next time not to mess with Machine Gun Chelle. My friend, Jim (aka Leo Capatelli), knows not to mess with me. He's in my mob, but sometimes I threaten to cut him loose... I can't do anything bad to him as long as he's part of my organization, but once he's out, he'll be a sitting duck and he knows it. Note to Jim: Quit hitting yourself. It doesn't exude intelligence and just makes my organization look shoddy.

Okay, so role playing as a mob boss may not be a morally sound thing to do. That's why I joined the Crusades as a Christian warrior... to balance it all out. That works, right? I'm known as Lady Chelle there. I only attack Pagans, Infidels, and the occasional Saracens. I never attack other Christians, so if you're playing the game and you are a Christian warrior, you don't have to worry about me.

Don't get too comfortable fellow Mobsters and Crusaders. I may seem like an ordinary housewife and mom on the exterior, but you better watch your back because I'm always there, lurking in the shadows...

Alright. Back to reality. I have buttons to sew on and a pair of jeans to patch... and of course the never ending laundry and dishes to do. I better get to it.