Fear (updated)

Deuteronomy 31:6

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

We taught the kids at church this verse a few weeks ago. It's been stuck in my head ever since. I am the exact opposite of that verse. I am weak, timid, and always afraid of something. It was really hard for me to try to teach/discuss this verse with the kids, knowing I wasn't living it. How can I tell a bunch of kids to do something I myself don't do? I felt like a hypocrite.

Anyway, fast forward a few weeks and I'm still thinking about that verse. Obviously, it's an area of my life that needs work, otherwise it wouldn't still be ringing in my head.

I have tons of phobias. Tons of them. Some are the normal ones like snakes and spiders and unclean public restrooms. I kind of consider those to be "healthy" fears. But, I also have unhealthy fears that keep me from fully enjoying life. That's a problem that I'm having a lot of trouble overcoming. One of those is a fear of travel.

Over the last few months, I've made some awesome friends on Twitter. Aside from the couple that are from here, I haven't met any of them face to face and yet they have been some of the best friends a person could ask for. They encourage, they sympathize, they pray, they advise... they are always there for whatever happens, good or bad. I love that. I desperately want to meet them all. There's just one thing holding me back. Me. A few months ago we were invited to Catalyst, which is in Georgia and also where some of these folks live. It sounded cool at first but the more we talked about it with our friends, the more anxious I became. It wasn't a reality yet and I was already having panic attacks whenever it was brought up. You see, I have a very strong phobia of travel. I am anxious about riding anywhere in the car and the farther the destination, the worse the anxiety is. I bailed on the entire thing (as usual) and told Mike he could go without me, but he made a good point. If he were to go without me, I would be home the whole time completely in meltdown mode worrying about him traveling. And as usual, as soon as the decision was made NOT to go, the panic attacks stopped. That's not to say I was feeling good though. I feel horrible that we bailed on everyone. Really horrible. I know in my heart that it wasn't the "right" decision, but I still can't make myself do it... yet. I'm sure at this point we're not going to make it there this year, but my goal is to suck it up and be there next year. For real. I'm telling you, that verse has been in my head so strong that I can't ignore it. It doesn't say you shouldn't be afraid... it says DO NOT be afraid. It's a command and that's why I know that I have to find some way to do it.

Another fear that I have, which has become stronger in the last few months, is of me or someone I love getting cancer. Most of you all know that we recently lost Mike's mom after a 2-3 year battle with lung cancer. It was horrible to watch her slowly waste away in that time. In the end she was down to 65 pounds, bedridden, and didn't have the strength to even speak. It was a death that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I've worried since then... what if my dad gets it (he's a heavy smoker). I don't want to watch that again. The thought of it terrifies me. TERRIFIES ME.

And then, in the last year, I've had some health concerns myself. Most of you all know this... the blood pressure spikes, the heart palpitations, the migraines, dizzy spells, etc etc etc. I've been to the ER and to the doctor's office more times than I can count in the last year. Each time, the diagnosis is just a guess and it's always something different. Last Saturday was the latest trip to the ER for me. Only this time we seem to be on to something. The doctor said he felt that the symptoms I was having were due to hormone fluctuations (possibly menopausal) so he referred me to a new doctor. Well, yesterday I went to this new doctor and found that whatever is wrong is more than just hormonal. There is something definitely wrong with my uterus and probably with my ovaries, as well. She said my uterus was severely inflamed and did a biopsy right then. She also ordered tons of blood work to check my hormone levels and then an ultrasound today to check for fibroid tumors on my uterus and ovaries. No matter what the results turn out to be, she seems to think that I'll definitely be having surgery. Yep. I'm scared. (I will probably update the blog after we get test results and know more about what we're dealing with.)

So, there you go, my life is FULL of fear, terror, and anxiety. And I know that that verse is constantly in my head for a reason. God is telling me to GET OVER IT. Quit being afraid and take it as it comes. Whatever happens, He's going to be right there with me.

Update: Well, I finally got a call from the doctor's office, nearly 2 weeks since having all the tests done. Now I feel confused and frustrated. Everything came back normal... hormones, biopsy, ultrasound... all normal. That's good news and all, but I'm confused because in the office she seemed positive I would need surgery, no matter what, but on the phone nothing was said about that. I wasn't thinking clearly at the time, or I would have asked and I probably will call back tomorrow morning to ask about that. Anyway, since my hormones evidently aren't causing all the other symptoms, she wants me to follow up with a cardiologist and a neurologist to check my heart, blood pressure spikes & migraines. I feel so frustrated because I thought we were finally on to something and now we're back to square one and don't know anything. I have an appointment with my regular doctor next week for my 6 month blood pressure check. I'll find out what his opinion is on all this and proceed from there, I guess.